Facing the Music

I've been getting bit by the vintage bug again lately and I keep stumbling across vintage-style posts and things on the websites that I frequent so I took it as a sign that it was time to face the music and explain myself. lol I took my hiatus pretty abruptly about 3 months ago and wasn't sure for the longest time whether or not I'd pick the blog back up. I think that the frustration of not being able to practice this lifestyle as much as I would like to combined with being overwhelmed with posts combined with not having the promotion or readers that I needed combined yet again with everything that was going on in my personal life just got to me. It's hard building a blog, and I have a bad habit of taking on too much at once. As I have mentioned before, I run 3 blogs at least part-time, I was in school at the time [I graduated last month :-)] and I was starting a now-defunct [yes, already lol] YouTube channel. It was a bit too much for me. At any given time, I was doing homework, researching stuff for ATV posts, reviewing products for the review blog, trying to nail down and design the logo and banner for ATV, dealing with my personal life, and prepping videos for my video channel. That was all at once and I was working alone with limited resources, knowledge and time so I think after months of that non-stop and getting nowhere I got overwhelmed and frustrated. I wasn't sure what sort of design or visual representation I wanted ATV to have and didn't have the money to pay a professional to help me out so I was doing the headless chicken dance for quite awhile. I stopped reading the vintage blogs and websites that I used to read daily, I stopped looking at vintage clothes, I disassociated myself with the lifestyle entirely; I found that indulging in it even a little just made me mad. I couldn't find inspiration to finish my posts anymore, I couldn't find the time, and reading the other blogs where there were great pictures, exciting experiences and stuff was discouraging.

After awhile I realized the anger was directed at myself and the lack of inspiration only came from the inability to do or purchase these items and the inability to get any readers. The discouragement came from the lack of resources (namely money) to make this or anything else that I was doing any better, but I think I took it out on ATV because I was doing so much to make the blog interesting and it wasn't working. Nobody was stumbling across the blog, just as they weren't stumbling across the others. I don't practice the lifestyle because I don't have the money to do so or the creativity to thrift and create something vintage out of an outfit and there's also not a big vintage following where I live, so after awhile of putting off homework to post, hogging up space on the DVR for movies that I had to review, and thinking myself to death on how to improve the blog, I started thinking "What am I doing this for? I'm not getting paid for all of this work and nobody notices anyway. Shouldn't I be spending my time putting this much effort into something that actually has a treat at the end of the rainbow?" I guess in short, I took out my frustrations on ATV and lost the desire to post. I just figured if nobody was listening then I was doing this for nothing anyway, therefore it was a waste of my time.

I've been running across a lot of vintage-themed things lately, however, as I guess vintage is becoming popular in the mainstream again. I guess this has something to do with the upcoming premiere of the new Bonnie and Clyde movie. I don't care for the mainstream version, where people think a cardigan and cat eye makes you 'vintage.' I like everything about the lifestyle. I don't think that changed during my hiatus; I think I just ignored it because I was frustrated. I'm still frustrated lol, but I do miss posting. I'm out of school now but I've moved on to a new business project that has substantially more room for success than Youtube lol, but I'm still in the early days, where a lot of my work deals with research and building the foundation so a lot of my time is still allotted to other things. I still have no visual representation of what ATV is so that's going to be a struggle for me whenever I do return to blogging, but I'm trying to make the time. I miss TNTs, even if I was watching them alone. I miss putting together a good Link Bomb or outfit, even if nobody was looking at either one. I have nobody in my life to share this particular interest with, so I have to remember that I started this not to gain readers or popularity, but to vocalize the love that I have for this lifestyle. I can't voice it to family and friends, so I've gotta put it somewhere. That's why I started this blog. It was never to gain tons of readers or popularity. I think I forgot that along the way because I wanted people to share this with so badly that I started looking at it from a business aspect instead of the hobby that I created it as. My mind got too big for my britches and I overwhelmed myself.

Instead of it being and remaining fun, I started feeling tied down by it as the number of drafted posts grew and it became more of a responsibility. I have a bad habit of doing that with many things in my life and I think it all comes down to wanting to make a living out of something I enjoy. I'm probably getting too personal but oh well. Because for the time being I am disabled and stuck at home, I wanted to find something fun and worthwhile to spend my time on that would keep my attention. Nothing wrong with that. I also wanted to find a way to provide for myself a little, do something that would give me a little payoff, whether it was in the form of new friends, being able to pay a bill or buy myself something nice every once in awhile, or just give me a sense of pride at knowing I created something good. I don't think there's anything wrong with that either. I never wanted to be one of those people who had to work at a job they hated because that's all there was. I have always believed in creating my own path; making something out of nothing. Again, no problem with that. The problem is that when you combine those things with a hunger to do something worthwhile and an untouched business degree, I start looking at how I can parlay my hobbies into something career-profitable, sometimes without even realizing it. I like to talk and I mistakenly thought that that's all you need to do to be a successful blogger. Wrong. You need to know how to talk, yes, but talk in a way that's engaging, witty and not too long-winded. Clearly, I have failed that lesson repeatedly. :-) I am the reason why this blog is not or will not be successful and I am aware of that. I didn't have a problem with that until I started looking at this blog from a business point of view. I started this as a hobby and that's where it needs to stay. A hobby is not supposed to be stressful, time-consuming or feel obligatory. It's supposed to be fun, light-hearted, and a way to get away from the stressful, time-consuming obligations of regular life. And that is what ATV has been and will always be meant to be.

If more comes, then great. But I shouldn't force or even expect it. That wasn't my thinking when I created Classic Reviews for Classic Movies, and that wasn't the focus when I turned it into All Things Vintage earlier this year. I need to maintain that and stop thinking so far outside of the box that I put myself into another one entirely. So by coming back here today, I had to not only face the music about leaving as abruptly as I did (which honestly, embarrassed me a bit and as long as I wasn't coming to the site I didn't have to deal with it), but I had to face the real reasons why I did it. That was difficult because it feels like I'm saying that I failed at something. I didn't fail at anything concrete; I only failed to meet my own unrealistically high expectations. I failed to be patient and realize that Rome wasn't built in a day so this blog wouldn't be any different. Not every blog just rolls out with a logo, design and set theme from day one. Many blogs shift and evolve in design and content before finding its niche. I wasn't willing to wait and give ATV that time; I wanted it to already have everything finished. Having to admit these things is kind of hard, so I delayed facing the music. I enjoyed having "one less responsibility" (that I gave myself, by the way) and tried not to think about it. In my bitter mind, I figured "Nobody's reading anyway, who'll miss me?" and I think I also used that as an excuse. Boy, I hated writing that sentence, more so the last word. lol

In short, I'm impatient, I try to do too much, I become frustrated with myself too quickly and it backfired magnificently. Lesson learned.